I was recently asked to share my clinical perspective on gaslighting for the Gottman Institute’s blog — and it got me thinking about how often I see this pattern in my San Diego practice, and how rarely it gets named for what it is until significant damage has already been done.
So let me name it clearly here, in my own words.
When “You’re Overreacting” Becomes a Relationship Pattern
Gaslighting — at its core — is about one partner’s reality being consistently overwritten by the other’s. It doesn’t always look dramatic. It rarely involves a partner sitting down and deciding to manipulate. More often, it’s a slow accumulation of moments in which one person’s feelings are minimized, their memory of events is questioned, and their sense of self quietly erodes.
I see it in session as a particular kind of exhaustion. The partner on the receiving end comes in not just hurt — but confused. They spend more energy questioning their own perceptions than they do understanding the relationship dynamic. And by the time they walk into my office, they’ve often already internalized a story that places all the blame on themselves.
That story needs to be challenged — gently, carefully, and with both partners present.
What Gaslighting Actually Looks Like in Practice
Here are the behaviors I most commonly observe.
From the gaslighting partner:
- Implying the other person misunderstood them, rather than acknowledging how their words landed
- Suggesting their partner is overreacting or being too emotional
- Deliberately creating doubt — questioning whether an event happened, or happened the way their partner remembers
- Cutting off their partner during conflict to prevent their perspective from being heard
- Responding to expressed hurt with silence, dismissal, or deflection rather than empathy
From the partner on the receiving end:
- Self-doubt about their own memory and emotional responses
- Reluctance to raise issues because they fear being dismissed again
- A sense of guilt for “causing” conflict simply by having feelings
- An increasingly distorted view of their own worth as a partner
Why I Don’t Assume the Worst About the Gaslighter
This is where I often push back against the cultural narrative around this term. When “gaslighter” becomes a label we apply to someone to dismiss them entirely, we lose the complexity — and we lose the clinical opportunity.
In my experience, the partner engaging in these behaviors is almost always struggling, too. They may have poor distress tolerance and no tools for sitting with discomfort. They may feel so out of control in the relationship that grasping for power feels instinctive. They may be trying — badly, ineffectively — to “fix” their partner’s feelings because watching someone they love in pain feels unbearable.
This doesn’t mean their behavior is acceptable. It is not. But if my job is to help the relationship change, I need to hold both realities at once: the harm being done, and the humanity of the person doing it.
What I Do in Session
My approach to gaslighting draws heavily on Gottman Method principles, which give both partners a framework for understanding conflict that doesn’t require either of them to be the villain.
Establishing subjective reality. Both partners have a genuine, lived experience of what happened. I coach them to describe their own experience without requiring their partner to agree — because validation doesn’t require agreement. It requires witnessing.
Teaching validation as a skill. Most partners who gaslight don’t actually know how to validate. It’s not a character flaw — it’s a missing skill. We build it.
Using softened startup and accountability. Rather than leading with blame or criticism, I help couples learn to name emotions and ask for needs — even when the relationship doesn’t yet feel safe enough to do so naturally.
Processing regrettable incidents. Most gaslighting happens in the heat of conflict. The Aftermath of a Fight exercise gives couples a structured way to revisit those moments from a regulated state and actually understand what happened for each of them.
A Final Word for Those Who Recognize Themselves Here
If you’ve been reading this and seeing your own relationship in the mirror — whether you’re the one who’s been questioned or the one who’s been doing the questioning — I want you to know that this pattern is workable. It’s not a sentence. It’s a signal that something in the relationship needs attention, language, and support.
That’s what couples therapy is for.
I work with couples across California and Texas who are navigating exactly these dynamics. If you’re ready to start that conversation, I’d be honored to be part of it.
Learn more and request a consultation at danamcneil.com
This post was informed by my contribution to the Gottman Institute’s series on challenging behaviors in couples therapy. The full Gottman blog post can be read at gottman.com.
