Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #99008
Phone: 619-535-8890
Email: info@danamcneil.com

Dana McNeil Therapist

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Living With An Ex During Coronavirus?

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Living with an ex is common these days.

There are many reasons that couples make the decision to stay living together even when the relationship has ended. Most of the reasons my clients give revolve around finances and children. However, during this COVID-19 crisis, living together with your ex may cause additional stress and frustration making your reasons to stay in the first place seem insignificant!

As you can imagine, it is expensive to conduct two different households. The costs of coming up with a deposit, paying a second rent or mortgage, and furnishing a new household can feel impossible since most households already require two incomes to live. 

The alternative likely involves moving in with a roommate, which may feel like a step backward in life, creating frustration and anxiety. 

Those exes who are co-parenting may have to consider moving to another less expensive part of the area than they currently live and work in. Keeping children in the same school district or requires heavy commutes to get them back and forth. 

 The stress involved in having to survive a living situation with someone who represents pain, feelings of abandonment, and potentially even betrayal light up the “fight-or-flight” responses in our brain and nervous system.

These biological instincts and impulses are designed to give us a heads up that something dangerous is happening and we should protect ourselves or flee the situation. 

When we purposely stay in a situation that our soul feels is damaging, it can cause emotional consequences.

In order to survive, we often need to ignore or compartmentalize these difficult emotions so we can get through our day. While this feels like a good option, denying something does not mean it goes away. It certainly doesn’t ward off the physical impact of chronic stress.

Many couples state they “get used” to the stress of the situation without ever really accepting it is happening. This long-term depletion of our body’s emotional resources causes issues with the stress hormone cortisol. Living with an ex creates copious stress, which can have serious health ramifications.

Regardless of your reasons for deciding to stay, you certainly didn’t account for the possibility of being faced with a pandemic virus (COVID-19) that would prompt shelter-in-place requirements preventing you from social escape.  How could you? Nothing like this has ever happened in your lifetime, and you had no way to anticipate it.

Therapy for exes who continue to live together can help, especially now that you are likely getting on each other’s nerves!

This is even more important if you have children together. Learning how to co-parent while living with an ex means understanding how to be a good role model for your child’s health in the future.

If you have never been to therapy, you may not have learned the tools for how to best ask for your positive needs as you live together. You may also need to look at how you had communicated your needs. Conversely, you may need help learning how to establish healthy boundaries. 

Individual therapy may also be appropriate if a major betrayal has occurred. This can help you figure out how to let resentment go, or how to best find some forgiveness. Forgiving your partner does not mean you think what they did was ok. It means you want to stop carrying this pain around in your heart and the distress caused by re-living the pain and frustration. Forgiveness helps you be ok with your life moving forward. 

Setting house rules and having weekly check-ins about the state of your union will do immense good for your household.

Although you are not currently out in the dating world due to shelter-in-place requirements, at some point you will want to start to date again. This could possibly be while still living with an ex. You should be having discussions with your ex about whether or not to bring new partners to the shared home.

If children are involved, there should also be rules about how you will share responsibilities. How will you continue to manage your worries and fears about the breakup otherwise?

It may be confusing for a child to see their parents sleeping in different rooms and to see and feel the obvious tension in the house. Finding the best ways to soothe your children and alleviate their concerns is an important reason for regular check-ins.

How you will handle holidays, previously scheduled vacations, and division of expenses all need to be discussed. Some of these conversations may touch on how you want to talk to others about your relationship. You should respect the fact that these friends and family members may still be in contact with your ex. Honor their hopes and expectations about how you speak to others about your decisions to end the relationship.

Agreements should also be made about time that you can have the house to yourselves.  Granted, right now that’s not much of a choice – you can’t go hang out at a friend’s place while your ex has the house for the evening. There is generally a lot of tension regarding alone time in the house. Making agreements about times you can give each other to exist for a while without the other person present can begin to be something each partner looks forward to. Even under the current shelter-in-place requirement, you can still find ways to honor your ex’s space.

Have conversations about each other’s expectations and goals for bringing the living situation to an end.

I don’t encourage clients to continue living in this environment long term. That’s not to say that some couples can’t make it work, but many are enduring more than thriving in a situation like this.

Conversations about when a lease is ending and how you want to handle either having one person removed or both moving out clearly need to be had. Other conversations about mutually acquired pets, furniture, and big financial purchases like vehicles can cause intense emotions. I tell my clients to give themselves permission to take a break if these conversations make them feel overwhelmed. 

Many couples think they must argue it out to the end so they can “just get it done”. You are not doing yourselves any favors by staying in these intense emotional conversations without taking breaks. Your brain is highjacked when you are emotionally overwhelmed. You won’t make good decisions or may make decisions that you might even come to regret.

The Relationship Place is offering free remote consultations to ease individuals and relationship stress throughout the COVID-19 shelter-in-place. What better time to work with this complicated situation than while stuck at home? Schedule with us today!

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, General, Mindfulness, Parenting, Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Alone but Not Lonely: Living Alone During the Covid-19 Quarantine

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A 2019 study found that 36.48 million people lived alone in the United States. What that statistic means is that there are a whole lot of people sorting out how to weather our current shelter-in-place circumstances without a partner to help
navigate the day-to-day tasks and stressors that go along with living alone right now.

Living alone during shelter-in-place?

Living alone during normal times can feel like a calm from the storm of all the demands, noise, and busy-ness of your work and social life. However, when your home also becomes your office, knowing how to survive the lack of human contact becomes confusing.

Here are some of the best ways to thrive while living alone and sheltering in place.

Continue with your routines.

If you wake up every morning to yoga, a bowl of
oatmeal, and walk with your dog, then keep doing it. Reminding yourself that some things in your life haven’t changed keeps your brain organized and soothed by the rituals of day that you used in the past to anchor you. Schedule regular events with friends.

For us, Thursday nights at 5:00 became a virtual happy hour. We get to look forward to seeing each other’s faces, sharing in our collective worries (as well as our collective hopes), and being reminded how funny our friends can be. This is a real source of support and connection during these uncertain times.

Who needs to hear from you today?

Reach out to those friends, co-workers, or family members that might be either feeling alone or needing a break from their current stressors and would be cheered up by a call or text from you. Just letting someone know you thought of them or wanted to share a new show you have been binge-watching that made you think of them is a nice gift to share.

Share your thoughts with others or get support online.

When social media is used to lift and reflect with others, then it can be a positive tool for connection. Write something inspiring, make a note about something that went well for you today, or share a picture of something on your daily walk that others might enjoy seeing. The point is to notice all the things happening for you that are worthy of feeling good about as a way to get reinforcement from your collection of friends
and family to remind you that you are loved and seen.

Have Fun!

Is it time to eat ice cream for breakfast, dance around the living room to your favorite 80’s tunes, or make funny videos of yourself while brushing your teeth? Now is the time to dig out comedies, memes, and gifs that make you laugh. The more you laugh the more the feel-good chemicals such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine will be giving you daily doses of the kinds of coping skills you most need to get through this time in your life.

Remember, this is temporary.

This crisis will come to an end. Yes, it’s nerve-racking not knowing exactly when that will be. However, you have gone through hard times in life in the past. Remind yourself of those times and how much stronger you are than you probably give yourself credit for. What did you do during those times that you can call on now to get you through today? Just take this one day at a time.

Don’t forget: The Relationship Place is offering free remote consultations during this challenging time. Schedule a with us today!

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, General, Introvert, Self Awareness, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Dealing with Relationship Stress and COVID 19

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Quarantine doesn’t come with a rulebook. You’ve never had this type of relationship stress before, so it makes sense you will need new tools.

Uncertainty, fear, worry, lack of personal space, routine, and not knowing when this could all come to an end are going to cause conflict.
According to research, the average couple prior to home containment had one conflict per week. That was even with the ability to escape and go to work, to happy hour with friends, or to the gym! As a couples therapist, I expect you to have conflict. What’s important to note is how conflict increases with external and relationship stress. That doesn’t mean you aren’t doing a good job in your relationship, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be together.

What it means is that you need to develop some tools for how to manage conflicts better – especially now in the midst of this crisis. In sessions with my clients, we work to develop ideas and tips for managing conflicts.

Here are three tips that can be really helpful to your relationship right now:

1) Accept that your partner has their own reality about this situation and allow them to have their own emotions.

Your partner is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings – neither of you is wrong. You are not the same people, and you the world differently. You have different life experiences, expectations, families of origin, thoughts, feelings,
and beliefs. It’s the perfect storm for conflict.

It’s what we do while we are in this conflict that says everything about how we will weather this situation. If you have different views about how worried you think your partner
“should be” about the virus and how it might impact your family, this can be a potential conflict. You might want to take extra precautions, or you may seem more guarded with your children. Your partner, on the other hand, may have a hard time not feeling frustrated with you if they believe you are simply “overreacting.”

You are not in conflict because your partner doesn’t love you or is trying to be obstinate. You are in conflict because your views of a situation or your expectations are different.

Can you be curious instead of furious? Can you come to your partner with an open heart and try to understand what is driving their fear or frustration?

Finding something that you can validate about their worry or fear (and acknowledging it) does not necessarily mean you agree with them. Doing so and having this type of response will soothe the situation and ease relationship stress.

2) Compromise with your partner like someone who loves them. Is there a way that you can both get your needs met?

If you are the more laid back or less anxious partner, consider giving your partner the gift of helping them get their needs met. For example, if your partner wants to make sure that you open all of your boxes outside and you don’t care either way, why not go along with them? Would you be willing to give them the gift of having emotional safety right now when so little in the world makes sense or feels secure? Modeling unselfish behavior to help your partner meet their emotional needs tells them that you love them.

3) Make repair attempts.

Sometimes you may be really upset about the situation you are in at the time and not actually mad at your partner. You might lash out at your partner because they didn’t clean the counter or load the dishwasher the right way. It’s oftentimes not the issue that you are complaining about, but it’s something deeper. Perhaps you can be a little reflective and notice that what you are really upset about is being stuck in the house on a day when you would rather be on a hike, feeling anxious about your job, or not having enough money to pay your mortgage.

I encourage my clients to make repair attempts when they notice that while they have appeared to be upset with (or mad at) their partner, it was really the situation they were upset about. When you realize this is the case, you can make repair attempts by saying things to your partner like, “I am really
stressed about money, and I snapped at you. I really didn’t mean it.”

Another example of a repair attempt may be when you notice that you and your partner are starting to be short with each other and the conversation isn’t going well. You can always stop and say, “Hey, can we start over again? This doesn’t feel good.” The point is to acknowledge that you are not handling the conversation in a way that feels productive or in alignment with the person you want to be with your partner.

The Relationship Place is offering free remote consultations to ease individuals and relationship stress throughout the COVID-19 Shelter-In-Place. What better time to work with yourself and your relationships than while stuck at home? Schedule with us today!

Filed Under: Anxiety, Family Therapy, General, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationship, Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Family Boundaries: Now that your spouse is your co-worker…

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Like many of my clients, you survived week one working from home through a haze of shock, worry, and interrupted routines. This week you have decided that you want to have a plan in place as to how to best navigate what appears to be at least several months of working under the same roof and possibly even the same room as your partner and family. You want to be able to do more than just keep the peace and be cordial with your unexpected office mate. You want to be able to actually feel productive while avoiding feeling resentful of your partner because of too much forced togetherness. You’ve probably decided that you need to set up a new set of rules as to how best to co-work without emotional distancing. You need family boundaries. 

Here a set of guidelines I have been suggesting my clients put into place while waiting out the quarantine:

 

Rule 1: Set healthy family boundaries around your space and time.

Where is your work area, and how is it designated? Do your partner and family know?

It’s helpful for you to create a workspace area in your home that is respected by other members of the household. This means this desk, kitchen table, or corner of the room is to be off-limits for others to borrow from, play at, or disorganize. 

Try creating an office area that you feel is safe for you to think and feel productive in. Consider making the area represent things that are an inspiration to you. Carve out a little section of your world that represents your passions and motivators.

Also, understand that carving out space doesn’t mean that you won’t ever experience any interruptions. Just like you probably experienced at the office, there are going to be encroachment and distractions. Take a deep breath and treat your family with the patience you would like to experience if roles were reversed.

Setting healthy family boundaries around your time also means noticing and actively seeking out time for self-care. Expect to need some downtime from your family and partner. Schedule at least an hour a day where you can go off to a room or backyard area and sit down with a good book, meditate, journal, or do something that helps you reset and take a deep breath. There is a lot being asked of you right now both mentally and emotionally. It’s time to honor the need for self-care now more than ever.

 

Rule 2:  Hold family meetings and daily check-ins.

Even though the pace of life in the outside world has slowed down, there are still a lot of things to coordinate and give your attention to inside your home and family. 

Create a daily checklist about the needs and to-dos that need to be taken care of. Assign tasks and chores to each family member so that everyone is participating in keeping the house moving and in order. Talk about ideas like setting aside a certain time of the day for chores. Having a morning meeting or check-in about family boundaries and tasks will save you mental energy.

This checklist should also include recreation and connection for the family.

If you want to reinstate dinner at the table, then this is the time. It will be much easier to make these habits a part of your daily routine during the quarantine than any time ever before in our hectic schedules. 

Your family will also likely benefit from holding weekly state-of-our-union meetings to address how everyone is feeling and what may or may not be working in your current situation. If a family member or partner is feeling frustrated, worried, unacknowledged, or concerned about how you are handling things together, this is a time to find empathy and compromise about how to do things differently moving forward. 

 

Rule 3:  Be compassionate.

Your partner and your family don’t want to be in this situation any more than you do. If you are feeling frustrated and upset, it is likely your partner is too. They aren’t acting and behaving the way they are in order to make you mad or push your buttons. They are having their own experience that is painful, and they are suffering too.

I tell my clients to accept an attitude of being curious versus furious with their partners. If you are noticing they are not acting normally, check in with them about what’s making them upset. 

What is causing them to feel disconnected, worried, angry, or upset? Checking in with your partner and finding something you can acknowledge for them does not mean you agree. It doesn’t even necessarily mean you are going to do anything differently.

It means that you are offering compassion, kindness, and care to a person that you love. This attitude is going to serve you well as you continue to manage confinement, close quarters, and the uncertainty of our current situation. 

 

Rule 4:  Have a sense of humor.

It isn’t all about setting up family boundaries and space. Nothing beats stress up better than a good belly laugh. Looking for something to share will bring a smile to the face of your partner or child. Find humor in your situation. Being able to do something silly with your family, or planning a surprise will be contagious and will encourage the playfulness to be reciprocated.

Maybe you all put your pajamas on and watch a favorite Disney movie in the back yard. Maybe you start your day retelling a story about a time your partner made you laugh or did something that you still think about. This is good medicine during such serious times.

 

Rule 5: Use this time to strengthen your relationship and communication.

Many of my clients see this time as one to work on strengthening commitment. If you and your partner have had issues with communication, it is unlikely that this time will automatically fix things without doing some difficult work. 

Acknowledging the areas of the relationship that need some attention is one way to utilize the time spent with our partner. All of us want to have loving relationships where we feel acknowledged and comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with our partner. If you find yourself dreading having so much time alone with your partner, your relationship needs some healing elsewhere.

Consider using this time to enter into couples therapy as a way to help build skills. The rate of divorce in China rose exponentially during their home confinement, now seeing a record number of divorce filings. This doesn’t have to be the fate of your relationship, and your marriage doesn’t have to be a casualty. Taking the time now to craft the skills needed to respond to your stressors in the relationship will go further now than ever before. 

Here at The Relationship Place, we’re offering free remote consultations. Schedule yours today! We’re here to help.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, Family Therapy, General, Introvert, Parenting, Self Awareness, Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , ,

Couples Massages: Way Better Than You Think

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Victoria Moorehouse of Popsugar recently interviewed me about my take on couples massages. Not only is Victoria a senior editor, but she is also such a pleasure to talk to!

Many of my clients view a couples massage as a romantic event because it has all the perfect elements of a date: Candlelight or very low soft lighting, soothing spa music, and uninterrupted alone time. Receiving a massage as a couple is also mood-altering. This is a relationship activity I highly recommend, and I’d like to tell you all why. 

Why get a couples massage anyway?:

Couples massage is a soft, quiet experience. Massages allow for each partner to experience a lowered heart rate. They lose the need to participate in physical activity or anxious thinking. Massages allow each person the ability to experience peace and tranquility in the presence of a partner. These elements create the potential for physical and mental connection with your partner, which sets the tone for a romantic date. The end goal of a massage is to feel less stressed, more rejuvenated, and less disconnected from your breathing and your physical body. These activities mentally ground you and help you open up. Massages make couples more able to sit quietly with one another without feeling anxious to rush to fill the void of conversation. Having a massage means reflection and quiet connection that may otherwise feel unfamiliar, or even uncomfortable, for some partners.

Couples Massages and Breaking Down Defenses:

The act of having a massage can also work to break down defenses that a partner may be holding. It is much easier to hold a partner in a positive light when we are relaxed and to be able to notice the things they are doing well. This can often be a time that allows for softer and more emotionally positive discussions about emotional needs versus critical responses.

Our bodies produce a chemical called cortisol when we are stressed. Cortisol impacts the way we breathe, our heart rate, and even our ability to think clearly.

When we have conflict or emotional disconnection in our relationship, it sends our body into a perpetual fight-or-flight process with our partners. Soothing activities extinguish this process. Massage allows for a release of the pent-up emotional energy. A couples massage can allow for both partners to come to a place of lowered stress and cortisol release, allowing for more level-headed conversations.

To Conclude:

We have very few relationships in life where we are given the gift of close personal intimacy. Massage can be a quiet reflection time to re-experience the touch and feel of a partner’s body. For many of us, we do not spend enough quality time caressing or touching the person we care about. Massage can be a nice reminder of the gift we have received by having a romantic partner. It is a time to honor and cherish this person who has chosen us to share life with.  We may take this person for granted sometimes. Sometimes we forget that being in a relationship is not guaranteed. Massage is a nice gift to give back that releases love and connection back into the relationship.

Couples don’t need to spend a lot of money going on dates. They do, however, need to consciously dedicate energy to spending time together connecting without personal distractions. The point of a date is to seek out reminders and experience the amazing personality you fell in love with. That means spending time talking, touching, connecting, and being mentally and emotionally present with a partner. Massage is a great way to accomplish all of those goals. 

 

If your relationship needs a little more than a couple’s massage to get back on track, schedule a consultation at The Relationship Place today!

Want more? Read Victoria’s full article here. 

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, Family Therapy, General, Mindfulness, Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , ,

Having a Baby? Thinking About It? Read This First:

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Recently I talked to columnist Jenn Sinrich in an article for Wedding Wire. Jenn is a writer for many top-tier journals such as Reader’s Digest, SELF, and Women’s Health, and she is such a pleasure to talk to! We got to thinking about the most important things couples should do before having a baby. Here’s what I had to say!

1) Work on building a strong respect and sense of teamwork with your partner.

Don’t forget you are in this together. This is a “we” problem to work on together, and the goal is to avoid abandoning your partner and to handle the stress of feeding, changing, and caring for your baby as a team. It is important to work on our skills and tools for how you as a couple will handle the real symptoms of sleep deprivation so that it doesn’t create an environment of irritation and conflict. Part of this team building means not excluding Dad right after baby is born. Many new moms create a society of other women to help out and provide support. Doing so often crowds Dad out and creates a withdrawal response, which can be tragic for a new baby.

2) Start having regular stress-reducing conversations.

One of the tools I teach my clients to utilize when they come to couples therapy as new parents is known as a stress-reducing conversation. This involves the couple setting aside twenty minutes a day for processing the events and frustrations of the day while receiving support and understanding from their partner. Each partner spends about ten minutes talking, and during that time their partner is not solving their problem but listening for understanding to share emotions and express support. Newborns are not a problem to be solved, and since they don’t come with a manual, that’s not even possible. What does work is to have your partner connect with you emotionally about the frustrations, worries, anxieties, and stressors you are experiencing and show genuine empathy and support. Once this pattern is firmly established in the relationship as a part of the normal coping skills as a couple, it will be an easier transition into utilizing it as new parents.

3) Have many conversations with your partner about your dreams and goals as co-parents.

Many new parents express a desire to be better at parenting than they perceive their own parents were with them. Having conversations with your partner about the strengths and weaknesses you will encounter as parents opens the door for these kinds of conversations. Couples should be having conversations on all kinds of issues that cover emotional, physical, and moral chores with baby. For instance, who will be the parent tasked with physical activities such as taking baby to doctor’s appointments or taking off work when baby is sick? How will decisions be made about whether to pay your child an allowance for chores done around the house or for good grades? Will your child go to private or public school? It is also essential to have conversations about setting healthy boundaries with family members.

4) Develop skills for compromise and accepting influence from your partner.

New parents don’t get into conflict because they don’t love each other. They are in conflict because they both have strong beliefs and opinions about how they want to raise their child. Your partner will never agree to anything if they don’t feel heard and validated for their perspective. Ig you don’t agree with your partner, you can acknowledge what your co-parent is saying. Once both partners feel they are sufficiently understood and appreciated, then compromise can begin. Compromise starts with finding the core issues you have in common. In the case of new parenting, don’t forget both of you want the best for your child. Approaching issues from a place of understanding your partner’s needs gives both parents a place to positively work to compromise.

5) Commit to regular date nights and intimacy, even with a new baby.

Many of my clients tell me they don’t remember the last time they went on a date. They hardly have the energy to have sex with each other. The reality is that your sex life will unlikely be the same as it was prior to baby’s arrival. Let your partner know that you appreciate them and are still attracted to them. Flirt with them, reminding them that you recognize you aren’t having sex like you used to but that you still deeply desire them. Having conversations about your worries, fears, and concerns about keeping your intimacy alive is important.

Make the commitment before you have a new baby to build a community of friends, neighbors, and babysitters who can help watch out for baby on a regular basis so that mom and dad can have time to connect and go on dates. Start having conversations about how you are going to give yourselves permission to step outside of your roles as parents for a few hours a week and experience romance as a priority.

6) Consider taking a Baby-moon before the big event.

Many of my expecting clients are making it a priority to take a relaxed vacation getaway in their second trimester. This an important milestone event since it is likely the last trip they will be enjoying alone with their partner. They consider this a last hurrah trip. Once baby is born, they envision that trips will be done traveling in threes. Obviously, couples will want to make sure their health insurance covers any unexpected needs where they are traveling. Many clients are now considering these trips a rite of passage for entering parenthood.

Are you thinking about having a baby? Worried about handling the extra stress? Schedule a consultation at The Relationship Place today, and read the full article here.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Family Therapy, General, Issues for Women, New Mother, Parenting, Relationship Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Mental Wellness is a Spectrum: 5 Things to Improve Your Mental Health

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Recently I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Beau Henderson for Authority Magazine.  Beau is a syndicated columnist and radio host, and he is great to talk to. It was truly a pleasure to be a part of this series on improving mental wellness.

Just for my website readers, I’ve included some highlights from this interview. Without further ado, here are my picks for the top 5 things you can do to improve your mental wellness.

Beau:
“Mental health is often looked at in binary terms; those who are healthy and those who have a mental illness. The truth, however, is that mental wellness is a huge spectrum. Even those who are “mentally healthy” can still improve their mental wellness. (…) What are five steps that each of us can take to improve or optimize our mental wellness? Can you please share a story or example for each?”
Dana:
You are correct that mental wellness does exist on a spectrum. Much goes into influencing the way a person experiences mental health (…). While we may not all be dealt the same hand in life when it comes to traumas (…) there are things that all of us can do in response to these symptoms.

 

  1. Create a morning mental wellness ritual.

    First, find those things that ground you and set the tone for the day ahead. A mentally well morning ritual typically starts with a slow launch into the world by spending time by yourself doing something like journal reflections on your gratitude, taking some time to read someone of interest to you, eating a healthy breakfast, and mentally preparing for the day ahead.

  2. Mental wellness meditation.

    Also, give yourself at least 5 minutes a day to start a practice. Many of my clients are hesitant to give meditation a try because they think the goal is to stop thinking and they believe they will screw it up because of their busy minds. The point of meditation is not to avoid thinking — our brains are wired to do just that. The goal is to notice how much we are thinking and how often our thoughts carry us away. Even if you stop and start 25 times in 5 minutes you are still doing it correctly if you notice how often you spin out and get lost in thought. In fact, collecting those moments where you are in the moment is the only goal.

  3. Spend time in nature.

    I know you may not have time to go hiking or spend time at the beach every day. However, you can find the time to do something that allows you to breathe fresh air, take in the sights and sounds of your environment, and connect with the world you live in. Even taking your dog for a walk for twenty minutes counts on super busy days as being in nature.

  4. Develop quality friendships.

    Time spent with people who accept and appreciate you for all your quirks and flaws reminds you that you are not alone in the world. Connecting with people who you have invested the time in creating deep and meaningful relationships with is one of the best self-care techniques (…). Accepting that it’s not about how many people you know but, how deeply you feel seen and appreciated makes all the difference in your mental wellness.

  5. Get off social media.

    [Social Media] is a productivity sucker and an emotional vacuum. Most of us spend way too much time comparing our lives to what we see and believe is happening to other people. Teddy Roosevelt is quoted as saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” He’s right. The only healthy form of comparison comes from comparing ourselves to where we used to be in life. In fact, [spending time] noticing the ways we have progressed from the person we used to be is the [only healthy way to compare].

These practices are non-negotiable to me, and I recommend them to my clients as well. Yes, they absolutely require that I be more mindful about my life. However, the trade-off is that I take time for myself, and I am able to live my life more grounded and fulfilled.
You can read the full article here.

Finally, if you need a little more than a few tips or find yourself struggling with your mental wellness, schedule a phone consultation today.

Filed Under: Anxiety, As Seen In, Depression, General, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, Self-Esteem, Thoughts

Stuck for Valentine’s Day? Look No Further.

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Keeping the romance alive is vital for healthy relationships.  Valentine’s Day provides a great opportunity to engage in some much needed together time. Need some creative date ideas for the special day? Here are our picks to consider:

 

 

Rent a cabin in the mountains. 

Think cuddling up by the fire with a hot beverage or sitting in a hot tub stargazing. No distractions, no city noises, no cell phone service to interrupt the quiet solitude.

cabin in mountains

Drive In Movie

When was the last time you packed up the car and headed somewhere to watch a movie outside? Pack up the back of pick up truck with lawn chairs, blankets, and snacks for a double feature.

 

Reading to Each Other

If you love the sound of your partner’ voice, what better way to spend an evening than reading each other a favorite poem? It’s time to hit the books.

 

Take a Hike

Exploring nature reduces stress and enhances calmness. Walking and being present with the elements releases serotonin and oxytocin, which are the feel-good hormones. The release of these will create a feeling of shared experience and a sense of closeness. 

 

Catch a Train

Spending time on a train is a relaxing way to travel while taking in the sights and sounds of new scenery. The adventure created together allows for an expanded sense of connected curiosity and wonder.

train with flowers and family

 

Tried an Escape Room?

Partners come together to work on problem solving skills and mutual goals. These puzzles allow for an awareness of the weaknesses and benefits each partner brings to the relationship and helps flush out how to work as a team to reach a desired outcome.

 

Bike Ride

If it’s warm enough where you live, grab a bike and head out the shore. Exercise stimulates a sensation of elevated heart rate which mimics sexual hormones and testosterone. All this physical activity can lead to arousal of healthy tension and excitement.

 

Get Cooking

Making dinner together or taking a cooking class helps couples practice teamwork and express their creativity. A bonus is you get to learn a new skill and eat your creation.

 

Put your Records On

If you have a stack of favorite vinyl from the past, this is a great time to sit around and listen to music that reminds you of another time in life. The impact of experiencing nostalgia can help trigger both dopamine and oxytocin—the bonding hormone and the love hormone.

 

Take a Day Trip

Add a spark to your relationship by changing up the scenery and reminding yourself of all the things you enjoy about your partner’s personality in a fresh setting. Plan a day that encompasses both partner’s interests and passions. Allow yourself to experience those joys through the eyes of your partner.

woman beautiful flowers valentines day

Go Wine Tasting

One of the points of dating is to build intimacy, trust, and vulnerability with each other. Wine seems to quiet some of the guarded thoughts and behaviors we may typically have in place that keep these emotional connections from developing.

Add whimsy by tasting blind—ask the sommelier to pour you a wine without telling you details—and compete to identify notes.

 

Go Horseback Riding or to a Zoo

Spending time with animals in nature or watching them in their natural habitat is usually not on your regular list of go to date choices.  Imagine a Valentine’s Day of indulging in the natural world with your partner, and the new connections and chemistry created by sharing this experience.

 

Axe Throwing

This on-trend date adventure involves releasing built up nervous date energy by encouraging participants to take turns throwing axes into a target. The endorphins and serotonin levels created from the physical activity, combined with a soothing release, are a perfect combination for relationship building.

 

Whether your relationship is strong or could use some support, you can experience the benefits that therapy can provide.  Schedule a consultation today to learn some new tools to help your relationship, and to get more great date ideas!

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Relationship

Featured Tips – BestLife Article

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Dana was recently interviewed by Sarah Crow for an article in BestLife in which she provided tips to help sustain a healthy marriage. Having made it through the stress of the holidays, the advice provided in this article is timely for those looking to strengthen their relationships moving into the new year.

One of the tips in the article was to “tell your partner what you need without being critical.”

When one spouse says, “Is there a way you could stop leaving your socks on the floor?” all too often, their partner hears it as a personal slight. Instead, try to make those needs known without criticizing your partner. “If we can find a way to talk about our partner’s behaviors and how those behaviors impact the way we feel, then it is much easier for our partner to hear,” says Dana McNeil, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in San Diego. In doing so, you’re more likely to receive a response that’s rooted in empathy, rather than defensiveness.

If you would like to have more tools to help strengthen your relationship, schedule a consultation today.

Even if you believe your relationship is great, you can still benefit from a relationship checkup.

You can read the full article here.

 

Filed Under: As Seen In, Couples/Marriage