Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence By Esther Perel

Date: January 20, 2023
Category: Esther Perel, What I am reading

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence By Esther Perel

Many of our clients are reading Esther Perel’s books and listening to her podcast, so it makes sense that we would choose one of her most popular relationship essays to read for our book club. Whenever I discuss Esther Perel with clients and other therapists, I get the feeling that people either love her philosophy or just don’t quite vibe with her. A lot of that sense of liking or feeling lukewarm about her work has got to be her use of flourishing language and the style in which she writes.

Her books are filled with passionate phrasing and adamantly stated opinions. You are somewhat forced to get on board with her thinking or you finish her books wondering if you are somehow not quite hip enough or evolved enough in your views about relationships. Either way, this book has some interesting arguments and theories about the viability of monogamy in the modern world. There were many concepts in this book that really got the club buzzing. To me anything that stirs up discussion, makes a book worth reading.

Other Reviews

I love reading non-fiction books that unfold like fiction and this book checks all the boxes. The author intersperses her own personal difficulties in attempting to find a partner via dating apps along with the research she did for the book.

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You need to expect that a therapist would put a book by this globally recognized leader on this list of recommended readings. Brené Brown has been instrumental in starting so many conversations about mental health and the inner critic.

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Some of my clients tell me they want to incorporate spirituality into their mental health journey. They tell me that therapy combined with faith is the best way to feel extra support, comfort, and guidance while they make sense of what life has thrown their way.

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This book of inspirational quotations just never stops hitting the spot just when I need something to ground me or pump me up. You may have heard of Cheryl Strayed as the author of the New York Times best-selling book called Wild.

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I absolutely could not create a recommended book list without including the book that has most influenced my career as a couples’ therapist. Not only as a therapist but as a fellow human being who cares about the quality of my relationships.

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I am grateful I read this book for so numerous reasons. The most important is that all my clients are generally in various kinds of grief when they first come to visit me.

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If you have any interest in understanding the principles or teachings of Buddhism, then I highly recommend anything by Pema Chödrön. I have read almost all of her books and the one I assign the most often to my clients, who are going through a hard season in life, is When Things Fall Apart.

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Talking about sex with our clients is a BIG part of our job as couples’ therapists because a couple’s lack of sex can be a BIG problem in a relationship. This book is a new must read for not only clients, but for everyone who is having sex.

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This was also another book club choice written by a colleague of mine who owns a group therapy practice that specializes in affirming sex therapy. The basis of the book was from research Jennifer and Julia conducted with over 1,600 women who identify as being involved in the kink community.

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The book club decided to throw in a little fiction to work as a palate cleanser for all the non-fiction we have been reading. The Measure by Nikki Erlick is arguably one of the best speculative fiction books that was published in 2022. Nikki Erlick hands her readers a moral dilemma about what each of us would do if we were to find out how long we had to live.

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This book was written by a therapist who also identifies as being polyamorous. Since about 25% of our couples who we see in the group practice identify as either being in or wanting to enter a consensual nonmonogamy relationship, this book seemed like a great choice for our book club.

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Many clients come to couples’ therapy wanting to talk about the difference between each partner’s attachment styles and how the differences play a role in their relationship challenges.

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I was reading our local newspaper one day and saw an article about a San Diego based throuple who were being featured for their journey to became surrogate fathers. As you can imagine, they faced mountains of legal and societal constraints in order to accomplish their goal of becoming fathers.

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Unfortunately, as a couples’ therapist I work with numerous clients who find themselves working through the pain and feelings of betrayal that happen when an affair has occurred in their relationship. So often the person on the receiving end wants to understand why it happened.

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This book was popular with the therapists I work with in my group practice when we read it as one of our book club choices. The consequences of extra marital affairs or any kind of relationship betrayal is that trust is impacted. It is not only impacted, it’s often obliterated to the point where everything hinges on the way a partner responds to the betrayed person.

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So often clients come to see me who tell me they feel torn and pulled in two directions about whether to stay in their current relationship or end it. It’s painful to watch my clients agonize over this decision, because by the time they come to see me, they are often twisted up and so confused.

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